Name:                         Kate                           

You have:                  Breast Cancer*            

Oh, sheez. Tough break…

It’s OK, though lovey! I’ve read all about Breast Cancer*!

Ohmagosh there’s so much stuff on curing  Breast Cancer* out there!

You should try eating CLEAN. No, hang on…I mean eating RAW.

And Paleo. Pete Evans says you totes need to be eating Paleo. Why? Because – well –  Breast Cancer* wasn’t around in the Stone Age, honey! Hashtag Obvious!

I read something about Kale this week, too. Did you know Kale is a superduperfood? It is! So yeah, make sure you eat bucketfuls of Kale…but only if it’s organic, cold-pressed, free-range or hydroponic…and never ever GMO. For Chrissake!

And no, sorry…you can’t eat those almonds until I’ve activated them, soaked them in coconut water, and then sprinkled them with Maca powder and goji berries – from the AMAZON. Hashtag Who Feels Amazing?

Dairy? OH MY GOD, ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME? Dairy is poison!

No, forget dairy completely. Move away from that milk! The ‘Gerson Therapy’ says all you need to do is drink juice. Juice everything (every hour, on the hour, twelve times a day) and you will – it says right here – ‘activate the body’s magnificent ability to heal itself’. Aww…what a lovely idea! You can heal YOURSELF!

I can see it now…THE TUMOUR TROOPER! THE SARCOMA SOLDIER! You could start a crusade! Show big pharma who’s REALLY boss! At least start a blog about it…Instagram your recipes…My neighbour’s uncle’s best friend’s niece has Breast Cancer* too, so they’d totally follow you! Before you know it, you could launch a book, or an App – Go on tour!

But hang on…Hmmm. Stop right there, because I know Gerson says to juice everything, but I dunno what the go is with juicing fruit, because – like – fruit is full of SUGAR and EVIL SUGAR FEEDS  Breast Cancer* . No, I think you should be quitting sugar. Give me back that coconut!

And also, the other day, I followed this ahMAzing person on Facebook who – like – totally cured their  Breast Cancer*  by chanting and only eating tumeric. Why don’t you give that a go? I’ll send you the link…

AND maybe try bathing in bicarbonate soda, because I just heard Breast Cancer* is actually a fungus, so bicarb is your answer. And stay away from everything acidic. Except lemons. Lemons are so cleansing.

While you’re at it, make sure you realign your healing chakras. AND drink your pee. I know it sounds a bit gross, but Dr. Oz says apple juice is chock full of arsenic and tap water has fluoride in it. Fluoride = BAD BAD BAD.

Now, if you have time between those coffee enemas I mentioned last week, pop over to Dr. Gonzalez in NYC, because his Gonzalez Protocol is totes individualized, all natural and cures – like – EVERYTHING. You’ll need to swallow about 150 capsules a day of supplements that haven’t ever really been proven effective as yet, but they’re expensive – and shaped like pills, so they probably work. Plus Gonzalez Protocol sounds pretty cool, doesn’t it. Hashtag NYC here we come!

Rightio. I think I’ve covered everything! Your path to ‘Wellness’ – complete!

Go get ‘em, you Tumour Trooper, you Sarcoma Soldier! Go beat that  Breast Cancer*! Hashtag So Inspo!

(*Please Insert your own chronic illness/allergy/incurable disease/virus )